My sheets look like a crime scene.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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