I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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