Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
