the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
