Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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