soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
