It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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