if you like me you must not know who I am
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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