I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
