Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
