I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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