I'm gonna have a badass scar
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
