He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize