when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
