: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
