The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
and you fell through a lawn chair
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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