I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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