Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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