I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
