I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
