You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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