A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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