I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
