Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
