why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Randomize