This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
