the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
pray to the hookup gods
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
