made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
