a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
