i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
