Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
