When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
