Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
