I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
