man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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