i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
