I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
