my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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