I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
