i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
