my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
