I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
