seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Randomize