I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
