im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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