I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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