i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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