I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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