So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize