I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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