She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i wish my penis had a tongue
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
