i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
