You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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