Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
