Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
If I die, sorry about rent.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
