just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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