I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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